Unspoken Fears
by Chibi Rose Angel
Summary: Fear is a natural part of being human, but for one certain turtle, he understands completely just how harmful it is to keep your fears buried within yourself.


**_Author's Notes_**: To understand this story, you'll have to remember the events that occurred in Haunted and the episode where Agent Bishop made his debut. Can't remember the name of the episode but it dealt with the fugitive, ring any bells? This story will also make references to the episode where the guys helped Angel rescue her brother from that haunted house. This story is going to be told from Raph's point of view. If Raph seems out of character, then rest assured it will be touched upon/explained within the story.

**_Disclaimer_**: Don't make me repeat myself people.

It was in the middle of the night. We were all supposed to be asleep. I mean you'd be tired too if just recently, you dealt with some insane know it all who seemed invincible. Everything we threw at him wasn't good enough. He was able to counterattack everything we threw at him and with small items no less. I mean he used his belt on us! How humiliating is that?

When we were coming back home, I noticed Leo looked troubled. And it was no surprise that he was troubled about how easy this guy had taken us out. Had it not been for April, Casey, and Master Splinter, we'd have been turtle kabobs.

At any rate, we were finally resting in our respective bedrooms, when there was a sudden commotion coming from the living room. I would have brushed it off as a minor annoyance but something told me not to. As I threw my covers off of me, I went to investigate.

I was tired and grumpy. This was NOT a good combination especially when it came to me. By the time I got to the living room, I found Leonardo, Donatello, and Master Splinter gathered around someone. When I didn't see Mikey, that's when it hit me. He was the one on the ground. I went to him first and gathered him in my arms.

This wasn't right. Mikey wasn't supposed to be lying in my arms unconscious. I checked to see if he was breathing and when he wasn't my heart almost stopped. That stupid crocodile had taken my brother and best friend away from me!

Was he in for it when I got my hands on him! This was my baby brother here. It's not like I'm some sort of cold hearted monster. I have feelings too you know.

As murderous thoughts continued running through my head, I suddenly heard Mikey joke about how it was a good thing that I didn't have to give him mouth to mouth. When I heard those words come from his mouth, I dropped him. He'd be fine but I wouldn't be.

He didn't need to know that this had scared me so I decided to act as if everything were okay. We eventually managed to track down LH. And of course, we had to deal with another wacko. This time, it was some monster hunter who wanted to bag us and show us off as trophies.

That wasn't going to be happening any time soon. Of course we disposed of him quickly and rescued LH. After this little job was done, I could barely stand to look at him. He had almost taken away the one thing from me that I loved dearly.

It was decided that until he got his temper under control, he would be staying in that old abandoned subway station that Don had discovered. Once we said our goodbyes, we returned to the lair and went back to bed.

I couldn't sleep though. All I could think about was what if Mikey had actually died back there? I could just see it now. Leo would blame himself for not being able to protect him. Donnie would lock himself up in his lab and me?

I'd have lost it and killed LH for sure. The few people that we do know think it's strange when they find out, that I have soft spot for Mikey. Since I'm so stand offish and unapproachable, they tend to think of me as some sort of monster. Like I don't have a heart and that I'm a cruel tyrant.

Hours must have passed before I finally worked up the courage to go and see Master Splinter. I didn't really stop to consider the fact that he might be asleep. I was really upset and needed someone to talk to. I couldn't talk to the guys about this for obvious reasons so that only left Master Splinter.

I made my way to his room and knocked on the door.

"Come in."

I opened the door, closed it behind me, and then I went and sat down on one of his many pillows that he usually used for meditation purposes. For a few minutes, silence reigned over us. The only noticeable thing in the room was the way the candle's flame, seemed to enhance the shadows of the room. Master Splinter must've have lit the candle right before I came in.

He was seated on a large crimson colored pillow and his face looked thoughtful, but there was just a hint of tiredness and sadness within his features. He did such an excellent job of hiding his emotions earlier but now I could clearly see that he was greatly disturbed by these recent events. At any rate, I finally worked up the courage to speak.

"Master Splinter, I'm sorry that I woke ya up but I really needed to talk to someone. I couldn't go to the others because I don't think they'd understand."

"And why do you feel as though your brothers can not understand what is exactly going on in your heart?"

I stared at him for a moment and then looked away guiltily. He was my father but I couldn't tell him that I didn't trust them with my deepest, darkest and worst fears could I? I love my brothers but somehow I just couldn't open up to them very easily.

Maybe it was because I was a selfish self-centered jerk or maybe it was because I didn't want to. Or better yet, maybe it was because I liked being filled with so much inner turmoil and grief.

"It's just that…" I trailed off.

"Go on my son."

"It's just that I have a hard time opening up to them. I'm not as care free and open as Mikey or Donnie. And don't even get me started on Leo."

"Do your brothers know that you feel this way?"

"Of course not!"

Master Splinter looked thoughtful for a moment. He then rose from his pillow and came to stand in front of me. He kneeled down in front of me and took my face into his hands. As our eyes locked, I saw warmth, compassionate, love, and understanding in his eyes.

"You are troubled by the events as of late and now you feel as if you can not deal with the feelings that are going on inside of you."

His hands left my face and then he embraced me. As his arms wrapped around me, I did something I hadn't done years. I cried.

As the tears continued to roll down my cheeks, I returned the embrace. This is what I desperately needed. Warmth, comfort, understanding, but more importantly, he represented the guidance that I unconsciously craved on so many levels. I didn't have to tell him what was wrong, because he already knew ahead of time what the problem was, and that was what I loved about Master Splinter.

"When I saw Mike lying on the ground, it scared me to death. To think that I could have actually lost him hurts. And I don't like feeling this way at all. I hate pretending to be some tough unapproachable person. I used to think that I had every thing figured out but after tonight I'm not so sure anymore. I can't stand the fact that I have to hold every thing inside just because I feel as though I have no one to relate to."

I would have said more but then I would have sounded worse than I already did. I sounded like a blubbering idiot already so why make things worse? Master Splinter continued to hold me and said nothing as I continued to bear my soul to him.

"And it's not just what happened tonight either. Almost every night I have nightmares about that time when Leo got attacked. After that, I tried so hard to make sure that something like that would never happen again but it almost happened again tonight. Then when we went to that haunted house to help out Angel, we got stuck in some sort of device where you lived out your worst nightmare. I ended up fighting against the Shredder but the worst thing about the nightmare was that when his helmet got knocked off, it was me. I'm scared that I'm becoming some dangerous and unstable individual that's just going to hurt people on purpose. I don't want to be responsible for hurting my loved ones sensei."

After my little emotional outburst, silence once again took control of the room. My breathing was a little hitched and of course I was still upset but throughout the whole confession, Master Splinter never once interrupted me. He just held me in his arms and listened. After what seemed like an eternity, we let go of one another. I couldn't exactly look him in the eyes so I kept my glance focused on the floor.

I was acting way out of character for some reason. I care about Mike and all but to think that almost losing him would affect me this much was the understatement of the century. I'm the turtle of steel for crying out loud but yet here I was acting like a little kid who's dog just got run over or something.

I had long ago outgrown tears so why couldn't I get a hold of myself? My thoughts would have continued had it not been for sensei's voice interrupting them.

"Raphael, I understand that you have been disturbed greatly by these events, but you must not let your fears get the best of you. It would be best if you try to open up to your brothers more, otherwise I fear that these buried insecurities of yours will be the end of you. I know that you are a rash and sometimes stubborn individual but none of us wish for you to self-destruct or feel as though you're alone."

"That's just it Master Splinter. Every time I want to talk to the others, something holds me back. It's almost like I've got a split personality or something. One minute I'm ready to confide in them and then the next minute, I'm contemplating on just how easy it would be to leave. I'm not exactly the most pleasant or sociable person either." I snapped irritably.

"My son, no matter how you think of yourself, we will always love and support you. I believe it is time you stopped running from your problems. You know what you must do if you are to be successful with this current dilemma."

I nodded and got up, grateful that I had gotten these things off of my chest. I told Master Splinter goodnight and before I left, I turned around and went back to him. I hugged him and time seemed to stand still as I did so.

"Thank you father. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have you in my life."

"You are welcome my son."

I let go of him and on my way out, closed the door. As I walked back to my room, I decided that from now I was going to try and put some more effort into being a better brother. The others would think that I was some sort of clone or that I was up to something but that didn't matter.

Finally arriving at my room, I opened the door, closed it, got into my hammock and instantly fell asleep. Right before I fell asleep though, I vowed that I wasn't going to be a prisoner to my unspoken fears any longer.

In the end, I was going to break free from the prison I created for myself with the help of my family.


End file.
